Oh What a Night

It is a BEAUTIFUL night out tonight! Not too hot and muggy, not too cool, slight breeze...perfect. It's the kind of night that makes me want to be outside and not come back in. If I didn't have to work tomorrow morning, I might just haul my telescope out there and look at the stars. (Off topic note - with so much light pollution here, I counted tonight and I could only see three, THREE, stars with my naked eye. That is just wrong.) It's the kind of night that made me want to roll all my windows down and turn up my radio - so that's exactly what I did.

On my way home from class, I drove the entire way with the windows down, sunroof open and music blaring. And I don't know what it is, but when everything aligns just right like it did tonight, I'm instantly transported back to being 17. Something in the air just makes me feel so nostalgic. I've also been into old-school rock lately. The only thing I was missing tonight was some Janis Joplin.

Whew!

Washing dogs is hard work! That was totally my cardio for the day! Not only is washing dogs hard work, it's also mildly entertaining. I find it hilarious that neither of my dogs can look me in the eye when I'm bathing them. It's like I'm wronging them in the worst possible way. But when they get done, it's like they won the lottery -- running around, jumping, rolling on the floor. So silly!

It does make me really sad to see how old Ginger is getting, though. When I give her a bath in the bathtub, she can't get in and out herself anymore. I have to lift her in and out. She is also losing her hearing. She can't hear me whistle for her. She can only hear me yell for her. I've noticed some stiffness in getting up and sitting down as well. While none of these things are really all that bad, especially for a 12 year old dog, it still breaks my heart. I mean, it was just yesterday that she was a puppy! She's my baby, though, and always will be.

To be me, or not to be me? That is the question.

I'm having another pretty crappy day. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, but it's becoming harder and harder. I'm also trying really hard not to get sucked back in to the depression black hole.

A lot of times I feel misunderstood, invisible, unheard. Part of me (the counselor part) realizes there is never any way that anyone will ever know the real me. It's impossible. There is always an existential isolation between beings, no matter what we do to try to know the other person. That often leaves me feeling alone, but at the same time, ironically, very connected. We ALL have that experience! However, it can sometimes be hard to balance that knowledge with my needs as a person. Another part of me (the noncounselor part) feels like she puts herself out there pretty consistently and doesn't really falter from it, so I feel like I'm a pretty easy person to get to know, yet some people still just don't see me.

I mean, where is the line drawn between intellectual thoughts and human needs? I often struggle with that thought. Where does the counselor Beth end and the person Beth begin? Is it the same person? Do I have two separate "me's" within -- or more? Do I present a different version of myself in any given situation? How much right do I have to expect those I'm close to to try to get to know 'me', knowing full well it's technically impossible?

I am trying very hard to learn how to live "authentically" (existential authenticity if you wanna look it up). Then I get presented with situations where I don't feel free to be who I am. I have to hold back. How authentic is that!? Then I have to try to figure out what to do. Do I say something even though I don't feel comfortable -- and even though I don't really know how to not speak up? Or do I just bite my tongue and hope everything turns out okay?

Just when I think I'm finally getting myself figured out, things happen that make me question myself and what I think I've learned. I often feel like I'm right back at square one, which can be discouraging. But I guess that's the thing I talked about in a previous post. It would be easy to give up, but I have to keep pressing on and trying to learn.

All I want is to be home

I know in my very first blog, which was just two entries ago, I said I wanted this to be a positive blog space. But today, I am just not feeling positive. I don't know if it's due to the really intense, heavy topic of a workshop I'm taking at school, or if it's the realization of just how much I miss home. And when I say home, I mean Oklahoma. My heart aches for it. I can't keep the tears from coming as I think about home. (If you have access to my Myspace page, my song says it all.) I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my friends. I miss my Kari...oh hell, who am I kidding, she's my sister. I love my sister, Lord knows how I've missed her, she loves me and she knows I won't forget. (Hope you get that.)

I have also realized that I don't feel as close to my mom as I usually do. It breaks my heart. I've seen her once, for one afternoon, since Christmas. I really need one of her hugs today. I wish I were near enough to get a hug or give a hug whenever I felt like it. My mom gives THE best hugs. Ever. They can cure anything ya got.

I'm beginning to feel like a stranger. Stranger in a strange land. I feel like I don't belong here in Texas. But when we go home, it's like a mini-vacation. We have to relearn where some things are. We have to pick and choose how much time to spend with who and rush around the entire visit. I don't like living my life this way. I feel like I've spent my whole life either not fitting in or not belonging somewhere. I'm just floating around, trying to find a place to land, hoping John and I can agree on where that may be.

I really am not sure what brought this on. We just decided to go up to Oklahoma for a visit, so that could be it. Just the anticipation. Or it could be a conversation I had with my mom the other day. I'm not going to go into specifics, though. Maybe it's the frustration of not being able to see friends and family any time I want. That damn song sure didn't help anything. It's probably a combination of all these things. All I know is that I'm really sad and really low today. *Sigh*