I know in my very first blog, which was just two entries ago, I said I wanted this to be a positive blog space. But today, I am just not feeling positive. I don't know if it's due to the really intense, heavy topic of a workshop I'm taking at school, or if it's the realization of just how much I miss home. And when I say home, I mean Oklahoma. My heart aches for it. I can't keep the tears from coming as I think about home. (If you have access to my Myspace page, my song says it all.) I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my friends. I miss my Kari...oh hell, who am I kidding, she's my sister. I love my sister, Lord knows how I've missed her, she loves me and she knows I won't forget. (Hope you get that.)
I have also realized that I don't feel as close to my mom as I usually do. It breaks my heart. I've seen her once, for one afternoon, since Christmas. I really need one of her hugs today. I wish I were near enough to get a hug or give a hug whenever I felt like it. My mom gives THE best hugs. Ever. They can cure anything ya got.
I'm beginning to feel like a stranger. Stranger in a strange land. I feel like I don't belong here in Texas. But when we go home, it's like a mini-vacation. We have to relearn where some things are. We have to pick and choose how much time to spend with who and rush around the entire visit. I don't like living my life this way. I feel like I've spent my whole life either not fitting in or not belonging somewhere. I'm just floating around, trying to find a place to land, hoping John and I can agree on where that may be.
I really am not sure what brought this on. We just decided to go up to Oklahoma for a visit, so that could be it. Just the anticipation. Or it could be a conversation I had with my mom the other day. I'm not going to go into specifics, though. Maybe it's the frustration of not being able to see friends and family any time I want. That damn song sure didn't help anything. It's probably a combination of all these things. All I know is that I'm really sad and really low today. *Sigh*
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I so know how you feel. It's been nicer for me being only 6 hours away instead of 23 hours away. Or 18 hours away. I feel closer and that makes it easier. But still it's so hard not be able to see family and friends. Makes you feel out of the loop so to speak. If I could give you a giant HUG right now I would. I'm so scared the Air Force is going to send us thousands of miles away next. Like Japan or something. Sometimes I feel on the verge of a complete melt down about it. I hope someday I can finally go home again. I'm not sure it will ever happen do to Kevin's job. I hope you can too! Sometimes distance is good. In the sense that we grow. If you know what I mean. And then when your all done growing it's time to go back. That makes no sense huh? You know that Cheers song, "Sometimes you wanna go, Where everybody knows your name, And they're always glad you came." It always makes me cry. It makes me think of home. I just want you to know there's a girl in Austin feeling sad about Oklahoma, so you are not alone.
To totally steal the girl before me's comment, there's a girl in Oklahoma feeling sad about her sister that lives in Dallas.
I love you.
Long live teeth counting, flash passes and LOST.
Post a Comment