Tonight I asked John if we were just always going to have the orange couch. He replied, "I'm almost ready to let it go."
Progress has been made. Now fingers must be crossed.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Man's Search For Meaning
I just finished reading Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Hands down one of the top five life changing books I've ever read. If ever there was a time in my life that I needed affirmation of what my life is, this was the time. I feel utterly humbled and inspired to become something better that I ever imagined I could be. It is my responsibility as a human being.
In honor of this lovely book, I thought I'd share some of my favorite, most poignant (to me) exerpts.
"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you."
"...it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life - daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answers to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."
"But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer. Only a few realized that."
"He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how"."
"Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone's task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it."
"Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked."
"...being human always points, and is directed to something, or someone, other than oneself - be it a meaning to fulfill or a human being to encounter. The more one forgets oneself - by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love - the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself."
"In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice."
"Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now."
"To be sure, people tend to see only the stubble fields of transitoriness but overlook and forget the full granaries of the past into which they have brought the harvest of their lives: the deeds done, the loves loved, and last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity."
"...the world is in a bad state, but everything will become still worse unless each of us does his best."
"...man is that being who invented the gas chambers of Auschwitz; however, he is also that being who entered those chambers upright, with the Lord's Prayer or the Shema Yisrael on his lips."
In honor of this lovely book, I thought I'd share some of my favorite, most poignant (to me) exerpts.
"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you."
"...it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life - daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answers to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."
"But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer. Only a few realized that."
"He knows the "why" for his existence, and will be able to bear almost any "how"."
"Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life to carry out a concrete assignment which demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone's task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it."
"Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked."
"...being human always points, and is directed to something, or someone, other than oneself - be it a meaning to fulfill or a human being to encounter. The more one forgets oneself - by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love - the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself."
"In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice."
"Live as if you were living for the second time and had acted as wrongly the first time as you are about to act now."
"To be sure, people tend to see only the stubble fields of transitoriness but overlook and forget the full granaries of the past into which they have brought the harvest of their lives: the deeds done, the loves loved, and last but not least, the sufferings they have gone through with courage and dignity."
"...the world is in a bad state, but everything will become still worse unless each of us does his best."
"...man is that being who invented the gas chambers of Auschwitz; however, he is also that being who entered those chambers upright, with the Lord's Prayer or the Shema Yisrael on his lips."
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Hand-me-downs
Okay, so I'm cleaning the house right now. We should have some guests this weekend for the OU/Texas game, but I'm not sure how many. So, I thought it might be a good idea to wash the dog hair covered slip cover on the couch in the front room in case someone wants to sleep on it. I guess it's been a while since I've taken it off, because I felt shocked to see the couch underneath. The one that has been in my life for 10 years, in John's life for freaking ever. It's harsh. Every time I look into the front room I feel surprised/jolted. Someday, someday, we will get rid of this stupid couch.
Enjoy.
Enjoy.
Monday, October 6, 2008
My Girl
So, I'm sure you're aware of Ginger's ongoing medical issues. Well, she seems to be pretty stable except for her weight. According to my home scale, she is now down 13 pounds. Not good. At last check at the vet a couple of weeks ago, their scale said she was down only 10 pounds. Which is still not good. I can now see sooooooo many bones!
It's exceptionally heartbreaking to me. You see, this is MY dog. You know what I mean? I've had dogs before that were family dogs, and Ike is a family dog. But Ginger is mine. We have such a lovely bond that it just makes me so so sad to think of her not being here with me anymore. I think every person should have the experience of having his or her own dog. And she is mine. She is the one. The only one dog I'll ever have that was meant just for me. And my life is so much better for it. I wish I could clone everything about her and keep having Gingers for ever. But I can't.
I fear our time together is getting shorter and shorter. I often think about what kind of quality of life she has. Is she happy? Is she in pain? What would she tell me if she could? Am I hanging on too long? Am I hanging on just for me? These thoughts go through my head every single day. I love her so much and respect her life that I don't want to be selfish about her life. I had always hoped that she would die in her sleep peacefully and painlessly after a long life. This could still happen, but I am so afraid that I'm going to have to make the choice. THE choice. Probably the hardest choice I'll ever have to make. I'm crying just thinking about this, but I have to get it out.
I can't imagine what my life will be like without her. She's been with me through high school and breakups. Through college and a long distance relationship. Through a marriage and several moves. Losing my best friend and finding her again. Everything. She greets me every morning and urges me to bed each night. She lays at my feet just to be close to me even though her much more comfy bed is just a few feet away.
I am meeting with the vet again on Friday, just to get her checked again. I'm still clinging to hope. I'm going to have to ask the question...how long? I don't know how to prepare for his answer. I don't know how to prepare for Ginger not being here. I foresee complete devastation and my heart being completely broken. I am so, so sad.
It's exceptionally heartbreaking to me. You see, this is MY dog. You know what I mean? I've had dogs before that were family dogs, and Ike is a family dog. But Ginger is mine. We have such a lovely bond that it just makes me so so sad to think of her not being here with me anymore. I think every person should have the experience of having his or her own dog. And she is mine. She is the one. The only one dog I'll ever have that was meant just for me. And my life is so much better for it. I wish I could clone everything about her and keep having Gingers for ever. But I can't.
I fear our time together is getting shorter and shorter. I often think about what kind of quality of life she has. Is she happy? Is she in pain? What would she tell me if she could? Am I hanging on too long? Am I hanging on just for me? These thoughts go through my head every single day. I love her so much and respect her life that I don't want to be selfish about her life. I had always hoped that she would die in her sleep peacefully and painlessly after a long life. This could still happen, but I am so afraid that I'm going to have to make the choice. THE choice. Probably the hardest choice I'll ever have to make. I'm crying just thinking about this, but I have to get it out.
I can't imagine what my life will be like without her. She's been with me through high school and breakups. Through college and a long distance relationship. Through a marriage and several moves. Losing my best friend and finding her again. Everything. She greets me every morning and urges me to bed each night. She lays at my feet just to be close to me even though her much more comfy bed is just a few feet away.
I am meeting with the vet again on Friday, just to get her checked again. I'm still clinging to hope. I'm going to have to ask the question...how long? I don't know how to prepare for his answer. I don't know how to prepare for Ginger not being here. I foresee complete devastation and my heart being completely broken. I am so, so sad.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Frustration-Fest 2008
I am so ridiculously frustrated with school right now. I took a group leadership class last fall as a requirement, and a requirement of the class was to actually lead a counseling group - support group, process group, grieving group, whatever. Well, for a number of reasons, I didn't accomplish this during the class. So when a student doesn't lead a group during the group leadership class, he or she has to lead the group when they do their practicum. Which is where I am now.
No big deal, right? WRONG!!!! The original requirement for the class was to lead a group either by yourself, with another student in the class, or with a mental health professional. And there had to be a minimum of 6 sessions led. At the end you turn in a paper about your experience and really don't have to have weekly supervision at all. Now, this doesn't seem like that big of a deal on paper, but when you know no one in the counseling biz and all of your peers have found a group, you have to resort to cold-calling people. I did this last year and got shot down from place to place I called. "We reserve that privilege for our interns" is what I was usually told. So I thought to myself "okay, I'll just do this during practicum." And that is now. This still doesn't seem like a big deal.
Well, here comes the part that pisses me off. Since I waited to do this, it now seems that I am required to lead 10 (TEN!!!!) sessions with a LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) or a certified school counselor. And get weekly supervision. What's up with the difference? It seems really, really unfair and unethical to me that the majority of my peers were able to do this with relative ease and VERY LITTLE supervision. I feel like I'm being punished for waiting until now to lead a group.
There also seems to be confusion among the faculty and the clinic staff as to what kind of group is acceptable to lead. Some of my peers and I were going to try to lead a group for the new international students on campus to help them with their transition into a new culture. But there would be no LPC with us and we would have to find outside supervision. So, what is happening is that my practicum teacher is telling me to ask my group professor what she will "sign off" on as far as a group, but the group professor is telling us we need to ask our practicum teacher what they want us to do. I feel like no one is willing or able to say "Do this. Get credit." So it is really frustrating and confusing for me. And all this is why I have put it off this long.
Now, I will admit my responsibility in all this. I have had a whole year to get a group lined up to co-lead, and I didn't. I put it off until now. Which was incredibly stupid of me to do, but that's how it is and all I can do is learn from the experience.
It still just frustrates the hell out of me. Ugh.
No big deal, right? WRONG!!!! The original requirement for the class was to lead a group either by yourself, with another student in the class, or with a mental health professional. And there had to be a minimum of 6 sessions led. At the end you turn in a paper about your experience and really don't have to have weekly supervision at all. Now, this doesn't seem like that big of a deal on paper, but when you know no one in the counseling biz and all of your peers have found a group, you have to resort to cold-calling people. I did this last year and got shot down from place to place I called. "We reserve that privilege for our interns" is what I was usually told. So I thought to myself "okay, I'll just do this during practicum." And that is now. This still doesn't seem like a big deal.
Well, here comes the part that pisses me off. Since I waited to do this, it now seems that I am required to lead 10 (TEN!!!!) sessions with a LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) or a certified school counselor. And get weekly supervision. What's up with the difference? It seems really, really unfair and unethical to me that the majority of my peers were able to do this with relative ease and VERY LITTLE supervision. I feel like I'm being punished for waiting until now to lead a group.
There also seems to be confusion among the faculty and the clinic staff as to what kind of group is acceptable to lead. Some of my peers and I were going to try to lead a group for the new international students on campus to help them with their transition into a new culture. But there would be no LPC with us and we would have to find outside supervision. So, what is happening is that my practicum teacher is telling me to ask my group professor what she will "sign off" on as far as a group, but the group professor is telling us we need to ask our practicum teacher what they want us to do. I feel like no one is willing or able to say "Do this. Get credit." So it is really frustrating and confusing for me. And all this is why I have put it off this long.
Now, I will admit my responsibility in all this. I have had a whole year to get a group lined up to co-lead, and I didn't. I put it off until now. Which was incredibly stupid of me to do, but that's how it is and all I can do is learn from the experience.
It still just frustrates the hell out of me. Ugh.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Dumbass Dealings
I try to avoid conversations with my supervisor at work at all costs. It's not always possible, though. Here are a few examples of why I avoid interaction.
Supervisor: Beth, I've noticed you haven't been at any of our monthly staff meetings lately. (FYI, these are held on Wednesdays at 9 am.)
Me: Well, uh, that's because I work 5-9pm on Wednesdays.
Supervisor: Oh, hmm...
Me: (This is where I walk away)
S: Whatcha eating there?
M: An apple and some oatmeal.
S: (Pointing to my bowl) That looks like some sort of cereal.
M: Uh, yeah. It's oatmeal.
S: Can you switch weekends with another person? She needs off on the 11th.
M: Well, since that's my normal weekend to work, I just assumed I would be here anyway. I can't really switch.
S: Thanks for your input. Your help is appreciated.
The End.
Supervisor: Beth, I've noticed you haven't been at any of our monthly staff meetings lately. (FYI, these are held on Wednesdays at 9 am.)
Me: Well, uh, that's because I work 5-9pm on Wednesdays.
Supervisor: Oh, hmm...
Me: (This is where I walk away)
S: Whatcha eating there?
M: An apple and some oatmeal.
S: (Pointing to my bowl) That looks like some sort of cereal.
M: Uh, yeah. It's oatmeal.
S: Can you switch weekends with another person? She needs off on the 11th.
M: Well, since that's my normal weekend to work, I just assumed I would be here anyway. I can't really switch.
S: Thanks for your input. Your help is appreciated.
The End.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Things I Like: Fall Edition
So, I haven't posted in forever. And more importantly I haven't made a list in a very long time. So this one is about all the things I like about fall.
Brand new school supplies
Dew on the grass every morning
Fog hanging low over fields, streams, and ponds
Sweatshirts
Corn dogs at the fair
The first time you can see your breath in the morning
Leaves turning
Thanksgiving
Feeling an internal sense of renewal
Driving with the windows down
Sleeping with windows open
Hot chocolate
Sweaters
School buses
Backpacks
Words like autumnal and equinox
New TV shows
Brand new school supplies
Dew on the grass every morning
Fog hanging low over fields, streams, and ponds
Sweatshirts
Corn dogs at the fair
The first time you can see your breath in the morning
Leaves turning
Thanksgiving
Feeling an internal sense of renewal
Driving with the windows down
Sleeping with windows open
Hot chocolate
Sweaters
School buses
Backpacks
Words like autumnal and equinox
New TV shows
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
Oh What a Night
It is a BEAUTIFUL night out tonight! Not too hot and muggy, not too cool, slight breeze...perfect. It's the kind of night that makes me want to be outside and not come back in. If I didn't have to work tomorrow morning, I might just haul my telescope out there and look at the stars. (Off topic note - with so much light pollution here, I counted tonight and I could only see three, THREE, stars with my naked eye. That is just wrong.) It's the kind of night that made me want to roll all my windows down and turn up my radio - so that's exactly what I did.
On my way home from class, I drove the entire way with the windows down, sunroof open and music blaring. And I don't know what it is, but when everything aligns just right like it did tonight, I'm instantly transported back to being 17. Something in the air just makes me feel so nostalgic. I've also been into old-school rock lately. The only thing I was missing tonight was some Janis Joplin.
On my way home from class, I drove the entire way with the windows down, sunroof open and music blaring. And I don't know what it is, but when everything aligns just right like it did tonight, I'm instantly transported back to being 17. Something in the air just makes me feel so nostalgic. I've also been into old-school rock lately. The only thing I was missing tonight was some Janis Joplin.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Whew!
Washing dogs is hard work! That was totally my cardio for the day! Not only is washing dogs hard work, it's also mildly entertaining. I find it hilarious that neither of my dogs can look me in the eye when I'm bathing them. It's like I'm wronging them in the worst possible way. But when they get done, it's like they won the lottery -- running around, jumping, rolling on the floor. So silly!
It does make me really sad to see how old Ginger is getting, though. When I give her a bath in the bathtub, she can't get in and out herself anymore. I have to lift her in and out. She is also losing her hearing. She can't hear me whistle for her. She can only hear me yell for her. I've noticed some stiffness in getting up and sitting down as well. While none of these things are really all that bad, especially for a 12 year old dog, it still breaks my heart. I mean, it was just yesterday that she was a puppy! She's my baby, though, and always will be.
It does make me really sad to see how old Ginger is getting, though. When I give her a bath in the bathtub, she can't get in and out herself anymore. I have to lift her in and out. She is also losing her hearing. She can't hear me whistle for her. She can only hear me yell for her. I've noticed some stiffness in getting up and sitting down as well. While none of these things are really all that bad, especially for a 12 year old dog, it still breaks my heart. I mean, it was just yesterday that she was a puppy! She's my baby, though, and always will be.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
To be me, or not to be me? That is the question.
I'm having another pretty crappy day. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, but it's becoming harder and harder. I'm also trying really hard not to get sucked back in to the depression black hole.
A lot of times I feel misunderstood, invisible, unheard. Part of me (the counselor part) realizes there is never any way that anyone will ever know the real me. It's impossible. There is always an existential isolation between beings, no matter what we do to try to know the other person. That often leaves me feeling alone, but at the same time, ironically, very connected. We ALL have that experience! However, it can sometimes be hard to balance that knowledge with my needs as a person. Another part of me (the noncounselor part) feels like she puts herself out there pretty consistently and doesn't really falter from it, so I feel like I'm a pretty easy person to get to know, yet some people still just don't see me.
I mean, where is the line drawn between intellectual thoughts and human needs? I often struggle with that thought. Where does the counselor Beth end and the person Beth begin? Is it the same person? Do I have two separate "me's" within -- or more? Do I present a different version of myself in any given situation? How much right do I have to expect those I'm close to to try to get to know 'me', knowing full well it's technically impossible?
I am trying very hard to learn how to live "authentically" (existential authenticity if you wanna look it up). Then I get presented with situations where I don't feel free to be who I am. I have to hold back. How authentic is that!? Then I have to try to figure out what to do. Do I say something even though I don't feel comfortable -- and even though I don't really know how to not speak up? Or do I just bite my tongue and hope everything turns out okay?
Just when I think I'm finally getting myself figured out, things happen that make me question myself and what I think I've learned. I often feel like I'm right back at square one, which can be discouraging. But I guess that's the thing I talked about in a previous post. It would be easy to give up, but I have to keep pressing on and trying to learn.
A lot of times I feel misunderstood, invisible, unheard. Part of me (the counselor part) realizes there is never any way that anyone will ever know the real me. It's impossible. There is always an existential isolation between beings, no matter what we do to try to know the other person. That often leaves me feeling alone, but at the same time, ironically, very connected. We ALL have that experience! However, it can sometimes be hard to balance that knowledge with my needs as a person. Another part of me (the noncounselor part) feels like she puts herself out there pretty consistently and doesn't really falter from it, so I feel like I'm a pretty easy person to get to know, yet some people still just don't see me.
I mean, where is the line drawn between intellectual thoughts and human needs? I often struggle with that thought. Where does the counselor Beth end and the person Beth begin? Is it the same person? Do I have two separate "me's" within -- or more? Do I present a different version of myself in any given situation? How much right do I have to expect those I'm close to to try to get to know 'me', knowing full well it's technically impossible?
I am trying very hard to learn how to live "authentically" (existential authenticity if you wanna look it up). Then I get presented with situations where I don't feel free to be who I am. I have to hold back. How authentic is that!? Then I have to try to figure out what to do. Do I say something even though I don't feel comfortable -- and even though I don't really know how to not speak up? Or do I just bite my tongue and hope everything turns out okay?
Just when I think I'm finally getting myself figured out, things happen that make me question myself and what I think I've learned. I often feel like I'm right back at square one, which can be discouraging. But I guess that's the thing I talked about in a previous post. It would be easy to give up, but I have to keep pressing on and trying to learn.
Friday, June 6, 2008
All I want is to be home
I know in my very first blog, which was just two entries ago, I said I wanted this to be a positive blog space. But today, I am just not feeling positive. I don't know if it's due to the really intense, heavy topic of a workshop I'm taking at school, or if it's the realization of just how much I miss home. And when I say home, I mean Oklahoma. My heart aches for it. I can't keep the tears from coming as I think about home. (If you have access to my Myspace page, my song says it all.) I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my friends. I miss my Kari...oh hell, who am I kidding, she's my sister. I love my sister, Lord knows how I've missed her, she loves me and she knows I won't forget. (Hope you get that.)
I have also realized that I don't feel as close to my mom as I usually do. It breaks my heart. I've seen her once, for one afternoon, since Christmas. I really need one of her hugs today. I wish I were near enough to get a hug or give a hug whenever I felt like it. My mom gives THE best hugs. Ever. They can cure anything ya got.
I'm beginning to feel like a stranger. Stranger in a strange land. I feel like I don't belong here in Texas. But when we go home, it's like a mini-vacation. We have to relearn where some things are. We have to pick and choose how much time to spend with who and rush around the entire visit. I don't like living my life this way. I feel like I've spent my whole life either not fitting in or not belonging somewhere. I'm just floating around, trying to find a place to land, hoping John and I can agree on where that may be.
I really am not sure what brought this on. We just decided to go up to Oklahoma for a visit, so that could be it. Just the anticipation. Or it could be a conversation I had with my mom the other day. I'm not going to go into specifics, though. Maybe it's the frustration of not being able to see friends and family any time I want. That damn song sure didn't help anything. It's probably a combination of all these things. All I know is that I'm really sad and really low today. *Sigh*
I have also realized that I don't feel as close to my mom as I usually do. It breaks my heart. I've seen her once, for one afternoon, since Christmas. I really need one of her hugs today. I wish I were near enough to get a hug or give a hug whenever I felt like it. My mom gives THE best hugs. Ever. They can cure anything ya got.
I'm beginning to feel like a stranger. Stranger in a strange land. I feel like I don't belong here in Texas. But when we go home, it's like a mini-vacation. We have to relearn where some things are. We have to pick and choose how much time to spend with who and rush around the entire visit. I don't like living my life this way. I feel like I've spent my whole life either not fitting in or not belonging somewhere. I'm just floating around, trying to find a place to land, hoping John and I can agree on where that may be.
I really am not sure what brought this on. We just decided to go up to Oklahoma for a visit, so that could be it. Just the anticipation. Or it could be a conversation I had with my mom the other day. I'm not going to go into specifics, though. Maybe it's the frustration of not being able to see friends and family any time I want. That damn song sure didn't help anything. It's probably a combination of all these things. All I know is that I'm really sad and really low today. *Sigh*
Saturday, May 31, 2008
My So Called Life
When an American adult reaches a certain age, he or she typically has something to show for it. A family/children, a career, both, an advanced degree, something. While I'm slowly obtaining my advanced degree, it sometimes strikes me that I really have nothing to put on my "life's resume". When I was younger, I had always envisioned having this fabulous, glamorous career, a wonderful family, you know, the typical "American dream" by the time I reached my current age (28). Instead it appears (on paper, at least) that I have only a string of dead-end jobs under my belt.
Until recently, I felt embarrassed and frustrated by this. Lately, though, I have been seeing my work experiences in a much different way. I'm looking more at how each job I've had has impacted my life instead of how it impacted my work history. Right now I'm working in a library putting books away. Some people think this sounds like the most boring job there ever was in existence, and some even poke fun or laugh at it, but whatever...I like it. But more than me liking it, it is honestly teaching me one of the most valuable life lessons I may ever learn. Basically my job entails putting books away and just when I think I've got most of them put away, more get returned. It's a little like Sisyphus pushing his rock up that hill or Groundhog Day. It could be really easy to get discouraged by not being able to ever actually finish the work. The way I am choosing to look at this, though, is as a great big metaphor for life. Just when you think you're almost done, more shows up. You could throw your hands in the air out of exasperation and quit, OR you could accept the fact that you can never stop working toward your goal, even if it changes, and you have to keep moving forward. Maybe it's hard or frustrating, but you just have to keep pushing through. Once I realized how this simple metaphor fit my life, I honestly felt like things were just a bit easier. It also took me an extra step closer to finding the real, true me.
Each job I've had has taught me something, even when viewing it in retrospect. My thinking is that how in the world was I supposed to have a career and/or be a mother if I had no clue who I was? Over the past year, I have grown so much. I feel like I learned to start listening to myself. I learned how to not try to force myself to do things I know I wasn't ever meant to do. I learned to embrace lots of things about myself. I learned that I will forever be a work in progress, from the day I was born until the day I will die. I will never be finished. Just like the books.
So, while I may not have a picture perfect life that our culture tricked me into believing I needed to have, I have MY life. And it's pretty damned great.
Until recently, I felt embarrassed and frustrated by this. Lately, though, I have been seeing my work experiences in a much different way. I'm looking more at how each job I've had has impacted my life instead of how it impacted my work history. Right now I'm working in a library putting books away. Some people think this sounds like the most boring job there ever was in existence, and some even poke fun or laugh at it, but whatever...I like it. But more than me liking it, it is honestly teaching me one of the most valuable life lessons I may ever learn. Basically my job entails putting books away and just when I think I've got most of them put away, more get returned. It's a little like Sisyphus pushing his rock up that hill or Groundhog Day. It could be really easy to get discouraged by not being able to ever actually finish the work. The way I am choosing to look at this, though, is as a great big metaphor for life. Just when you think you're almost done, more shows up. You could throw your hands in the air out of exasperation and quit, OR you could accept the fact that you can never stop working toward your goal, even if it changes, and you have to keep moving forward. Maybe it's hard or frustrating, but you just have to keep pushing through. Once I realized how this simple metaphor fit my life, I honestly felt like things were just a bit easier. It also took me an extra step closer to finding the real, true me.
Each job I've had has taught me something, even when viewing it in retrospect. My thinking is that how in the world was I supposed to have a career and/or be a mother if I had no clue who I was? Over the past year, I have grown so much. I feel like I learned to start listening to myself. I learned how to not try to force myself to do things I know I wasn't ever meant to do. I learned to embrace lots of things about myself. I learned that I will forever be a work in progress, from the day I was born until the day I will die. I will never be finished. Just like the books.
So, while I may not have a picture perfect life that our culture tricked me into believing I needed to have, I have MY life. And it's pretty damned great.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
My very first blog
I have found lately that I seem to have a lot of random thoughts rolling around in my head with no place to put them. I've tried journaling, but don't really care for it for several reasons. So, I thought I'd try out a blog and see what happens. I imagine it will become a place where some things of no substance and some things of importance and everything in between will be shared. I also envision pictures I've taken will make an appearance here.
As of right now, I'm having a bit of trouble deciding exactly where to begin. I have lots of things to say. I know it's not possible to always be thinking about the present, but I think I want to do my best to focus on the present, although I'm sure things about the past or future will occupy my mind from time to time. I'm also hoping that this blog will have an overall positive slant to it, as I have decided to place a quota on the amount of negativity I let into my life these days. It just feels so much better to be happy, don't you think?
As of right now, I'm having a bit of trouble deciding exactly where to begin. I have lots of things to say. I know it's not possible to always be thinking about the present, but I think I want to do my best to focus on the present, although I'm sure things about the past or future will occupy my mind from time to time. I'm also hoping that this blog will have an overall positive slant to it, as I have decided to place a quota on the amount of negativity I let into my life these days. It just feels so much better to be happy, don't you think?
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