My Afternoon at the DMA

Yesterday I went to the Dallas Museum of Art with my mom. I just love to go to the museum with her. She and I can talk about interesting pieces and our different takes on them and truly appreciate what the other has to say. I'm so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with my mother. Not everyone can say that.

I tried out something new while I was processing and interpreting each piece. I tried to pay attention to the way my entire body responded to the piece. I noticed that sometimes my heart would begin to beat faster and my breath would become more rapid. Or I noticed that I could feel different areas of my body respond to a piece...maybe in my mind, my throat, my shoulders, or the pit of my stomach. It was a really interesting way to view art, and it was something I've never tried before.

There were several hands-on and manipulative installations as well. I found these to be very stimulating. I used the softest touch with the tips of my fingers to explore these installations in order to awaken my nerves. I focused so that I couldn't hear anything but my own footsteps and couldn't see in my peripheral. After doing this I found myself in an ethereal, tangible place that was conducive to connecting with my core.

There were two specific works that affected me strongly. This was the first piece I encountered at the museum:



Pincushion to Serve as Fetish by Dorothea Tanning (Not my own picture, BTW. I got in trouble for trying to take one.)

Now, I don't claim by any means to be an expert on art. All I can report is how art affects me. When I first saw this piece, I wasn't that interested. But then I began to look at it closer and try to interpret what I saw and how I saw it. I thought of this piece the whole way through the museum. It's not static to me. For me it represents the way ideas and thoughts can morph, shift, and change. It represents how my subconscious mind is affecting my outward actions and reactions.

This next piece affected me very deeply:



Portrait and a Dream by Jackson Pollock

This one hit me someplace deep inside. I must have sat and looked at this painting for at least 15 minutes. I see myself in it. I see examination, reflection, beauty amid chaos. I felt this painting deep in my core. I felt my heart begin to beat hard and fast. At first glance the figure on the right seems to be blocked from seeing the image on the left. However, I think the figure is examining things through a lens. Getting really close to it, understanding it, deconstructing it. For me this piece represents triumph over chaos.

I think we all respond to art in a very specific way that is almost like a snapshot of that day and time. My response to a piece could be different today than it is tomorrow. It's so important to recognize and listen to what the body says...it's often very right. I know I left the museum feeling much lighter, much clearer, much more grounded. And I think that viewing art in a way that acknowledges the body helps to get past all the cognitive stuff and get right down to the core.

The Odd Years

My 29th birthday is quickly approaching...I'm a little apprehensive about it. It's not because I feel like I'm getting old (well, maybe it is a little), but mainly because I think it's going to be a big year for me. My dear friend Lindy told me the other day "Just remember, the odd years are always the good ones." At first we laughed and laughed about that, but now, I find myself thinking on that more and more.

29 is going to be a good one. I foresee a lot of hardships in this next year. But I just said it was going to be good, right? Well, I am now completely convinced that this next year is going to define how I will be living the rest of my life. In character, determination, will, soul, spirit. I will be taking a very, VERY close look at myself (which is never easy to do). I will be making lots of decisions. I will be starting a new career. I will be reframing my role in my life.

I began today. I asked for help. I asked for guidance. I asked for my path to be illuminated. I asked for this from God. And now I know I'm not alone in this. In the past, I have gone through very deep depression. This is the first time in my life where I felt like all the hardships from my past had a purpose. I went through depression so I could learn how to conquer it and face this next year with complete clarity. I feel like I just woke up. Like I just came out of a fog.

I'm looking forward to this odd year. I'm excited about the work I have to do. I'm SCARED out of my mind! But I'm going to do it. Because that's who I am.

My Eternal (?) Well

Counseling is tricky. Really tricky. I never know what my clients are going to be like when they walk in the door. I also never know what issues of my own are going to show up in the room with me. Today was an exceptionally hard day. Nonstop clients and meetings from the moment I walked in the door to the moment I left. I got some feedback about my group that I wasn't particularly pleased with. I felt like I had nothing left to give to my last two clients. I felt like I didn't give them the level of service they deserved. I felt like the sessions were completely bogged down, heavy, and slow. I can never be sure how much of 'me' contributes to that.

I really do have an eternal well upon which to draw from my clients, but today I realized that I need a little extra time between clients and meetings and just stuff in order for the well to recharge a bit. I'm trying to learn balance in my day-to-day. I used to be able to check my own baggage at the door, but this week it has been harder, especially today.

It's also hard to balance my clients' needs with my own. I do have a quota of hours I have to achieve in order to graduate. I'm not sure how I feel about it either. On one hand I know that having mandates is a necessity. However, when I realized the lengths I would push myself to go to in order to meet this quota, I wondered how it might affect my level of client care. I question myself and my abilities quite often. I don't think I would be a good counselor if I didn't do that. But how ethical is it for me to push towards my own end? What is the cost in that? Again, it's learning a balance.

I'm weary. I'm bone tired. I hope I have what it takes to make it in this field. I hope my inner strength can serve me well. I want enough left in my well to serve myself at the end of the day. I'm trying to practice what I preach and it's hard. But I'm trying. And I'm loving every single minute of it!

Wastefulness

Last week, we got the first round of phone books that get delivered to our door annually. I thought to myself "Hey, what a great time to recycle all our old phone books!" I opened the cabinet door, and there staring at me was an accumulation of two years worth of phone books. No big deal, right? Ha! My friends, you have never lived in Dallas and received so many phone books in your life! This is what I had to deal with...




Sooooo wasteful! I understand the need for phone books...not everyone has a computer. But really, do there need to be so many? This is just from two years, maybe even only a year and a half. I signed up for some phone book opt-out thing, but they just keep rollin' in. I guess I'll just keep recycling them. It makes me sad though, to know how wasteful it is to produce this much for it to just go into the trash.

Happy List

I feel compelled to make a list today. Maybe it's because I have lots of things to do this weekend, so I'm already in mental check-list mode. I dunno. Doesn't matter. Lately, I've been thinking of things that make me very happy, so I'll share a few...

Love
Surprises
Chatting on the phone with dear, dear friends
Tulips (my favorite!!)
Mint green tea
Redbuds in bloom
Driving with the windows down
The pops and cracks of my old vinyl albums
Laughing so hard it makes me cry
Having flowers sent to me
Robert Frost
Trying to figure out how to take new kinds of pictures
Writing letters
Spending lazy afternoons wandering through record stores
Trying new things
Getting my hands dirty while gardening
Not turning the TV on
Summer days at the lake
Roller coasters
Red shoes
A clean house
Natural light
Spending the entire day outside (even if I am allergic to it!)
Taking naps
Not wearing a watch and being completely unaware of the time
Cooking with fresh rosemary

The Senses

The senses of the body are very intriguing to me. The senses are closely linked with the memories we store. The senses can make memories so intense that they feel real.

The sight of something can remind us of a place or a person or an emotion. The sense of taste can remind us of summer days at the pool, holidays with family, good times with friends, intimate moments. The sense of touch can send shivers through the body.

The sense of smell is said to be the most intense in recollection of memory. For me, the scent of certain laundry detergents, certain flowers, certain spices, the scent of a lover's skin...those all instantly take me to very specific places or very specific people. It can be intoxicating, overwhelming, blissful.

However, I would contend that sounds are just as important as scents. No matter where I am, certain sounds can instantly transport me to another time and place. The wind rustling through the leaves of trees, birds singing, crickets chirping, tree frogs croaking, take me to a very warm and inviting place in my youth. A place that is so special to me. The clinking of plates in a sink or cabinet take me to a warm summer day where the house is quiet except for the sounds of every day life. The sounds of waves crashing on a beach take me to a bright sunny day on the north shore of Oahu. Certain songs stir something deep within my soul.

Then there are voices. There's that voice that rings so true and so clear in my mind. It's that one voice that when you hear it, it's as if those are the only words you've ever heard spoken. That's the only voice you can remember ever hearing. Instant transportation to somewhere so ethereal, I feel like Inever left. There are a handful of voices that affect me this way. So deeply that I can become unaware of anything around me. When I'm affected by sounds so deeply, I can't help but feel it's just as strong, if not stronger, than scent for me.

Ahhh, Spring!

I love spring. It is one of my most favorite times of year. While I think our little section of mother Earth still has a bit of winter to get out of her system, it looks like spring has arrived. My most favorite thing is seeing all the redbud trees in bloom between here and Oklahoma City. Something about spring awakens something within me, some internal drive to do and create. I'm feeling inspired to start trying new things and revisiting favorite things.

Which brings me to my next point. I believe I am seeing spring in a different way this year. While I have always taken small joys in seeing trees with splashes of green peeking out, I saw things differently today. In the car on the drive home, I was looking and looking at all the trees and new foliage emerging and new thoughts began to arrive. What a perfect, perfect metaphor for life! I'm not a big fan of the word perfect, but I am seeing how our seasons perfectly match the changes we humans go through in our short existences.

By nature, we like to remember the most positive up times...summer. Summer is great. Everyone enjoying the weather, the activities, the prosperity of the year. Then comes fall. We can gradually see that things are starting to change, maybe turning a little colder, a little darker, maybe some less pleasant things on the horizon. Winter brings darker days, more isolation, harder work to keep yourself and your family safe, cold.

But then spring. Ahhh, spring! We expect to look out the window and see the barrenness of winter, but then something strikes the eye. What is that? Blossoms and tender fresh green leaves! It's hope! Hope! Right out the window! Right there for the world to see! How bold! Oh, that feeling! That wonderful feeling that things will be okay and that someone out there (or up there, depending on where you choose to look) has a plan for us after all! How wonderful!

This is a time in history when we can all use a little hope. Maybe for economic reasons, maybe for cultural reasons, maybe for familial reasons, maybe for no reason at all. Hope is a magical, magical thing. It can turn everything around. It can inspire you to do things and take risks you've never thought of before. And who can't use a little more of that? So take a moment, look out your window, look for that first sign of life and color, grab your camera, use that moment for inspiration in the darker times, those times when winter tries to sneak back in. Let the wonder around you influence you in a positive way!

Waiting

I don't know what the deal is, but lately anywhere I go that I have to wait in a line, I receive apologies that I had to wait. Really? I don't know if it's the busy, crazy DFW lifestyle or what. I mean, are people really that upset to have to wait? Doesn't that come with the territory of going somewhere and expecting to receive a service?

I just think it speaks volumes about our current culture. We are so rushed and so frazzled and fitting in so much from sunup to sundown that we can't wait in a line for 5 minutes to buy groceries. I have been trying to be extra polite to those that work in the service industry because I'm guessing they deal with a bunch of uptight, stressed, overworked people all day long. I like to check in with them, see if they had a nice day. I don't mind waiting. In fact, it's kind of nice to be forced to slow down just a bit. All I have in this life is time, why not stop for a minute, even if it's in a line, and reflect on things. Notice my surroundings and inner reactions.

So please, next time you're out in public, try to spread a bit of goodness. Be kind. Be polite. Slow down. Put some positivity out there into the world.

Thought of the Day

It's been a while since I posted, but I decided it was a virtue to remain silent until I had something of worth to say...

Normally I don't read my horoscope. I think it's something that you can stretch and fit to make it apply to whatever may be going on in your life, no matter what your sign. It's usually just vague enough to kinda make sense in a generic way. But today I just happened to glance at mine and this was a portion of it:

"Don't withhold what's most significant to you, even if it means that you won't be included as one of the crew. Having integrity is more important than receiving approval."

I actually think this is pretty relevant. This is something that I've come to believe more and more as I get older and get to know myself better. I mean, really, who cares what other people think? Now, I do realize this is much easier said than done. It's easy to think about what your friends or family might think of something that you do, and you can pretty much be guaranteed that at least one person in the world is going to have a problem with whatever it is you do. But in the end, all you can do is live your life in a manner you find acceptable to yourself and to your maker. I think this is true for big, life-altering things all the way down to the minutiae of every day life. As my friend Kari once told me "God puts you where He wants you and then it's up to you to make the best of the situation." Other than that, there's not much you can do with yourself!

So my thought of the day is that you have to live your own life for yourself, not for how others think it should be. To live for others makes for a miserable existence.