To be me, or not to be me? That is the question.

I'm having another pretty crappy day. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, but it's becoming harder and harder. I'm also trying really hard not to get sucked back in to the depression black hole.

A lot of times I feel misunderstood, invisible, unheard. Part of me (the counselor part) realizes there is never any way that anyone will ever know the real me. It's impossible. There is always an existential isolation between beings, no matter what we do to try to know the other person. That often leaves me feeling alone, but at the same time, ironically, very connected. We ALL have that experience! However, it can sometimes be hard to balance that knowledge with my needs as a person. Another part of me (the noncounselor part) feels like she puts herself out there pretty consistently and doesn't really falter from it, so I feel like I'm a pretty easy person to get to know, yet some people still just don't see me.

I mean, where is the line drawn between intellectual thoughts and human needs? I often struggle with that thought. Where does the counselor Beth end and the person Beth begin? Is it the same person? Do I have two separate "me's" within -- or more? Do I present a different version of myself in any given situation? How much right do I have to expect those I'm close to to try to get to know 'me', knowing full well it's technically impossible?

I am trying very hard to learn how to live "authentically" (existential authenticity if you wanna look it up). Then I get presented with situations where I don't feel free to be who I am. I have to hold back. How authentic is that!? Then I have to try to figure out what to do. Do I say something even though I don't feel comfortable -- and even though I don't really know how to not speak up? Or do I just bite my tongue and hope everything turns out okay?

Just when I think I'm finally getting myself figured out, things happen that make me question myself and what I think I've learned. I often feel like I'm right back at square one, which can be discouraging. But I guess that's the thing I talked about in a previous post. It would be easy to give up, but I have to keep pressing on and trying to learn.